I trust myself first.

 

Do you have issues with trusting others?

 

I recently have had several experiences, where feelings of mistrust have been triggered.

 

How can I trust this person to turn up for me?

How can I trust that I am not being used?

How can I trust they will not undervalue my contribution?

 

These feeling of insecurity about other people, make me feel like it is me, against the world. Like a seagull, I have to fight for every scrap of my desires. SQWARKING loudly internally when I perceive that maybe I didn’t get enough of what I think I wanted in that movement in time.

 

My uneasy feelings about others, makes me feel like isolating myself. Not putting myself out there, because I think I am being taken advantage of. That people are taking from me more than I am willing to give. For I recognise that when I offer myself up without receiving what I think is equal in measure in return then I feel resentful and I feel less than, and as a result I create barriers in my communication towards that person. I can feel my voice change, my jaw clench, my sarcasm rise and even the way I structure my sentences becomes very purposeful and very passive aggressive.

 

I don’t like myself, in this mode, it feels unsafe but behind it I can feel my ego yelling in support  “you are totally justified”, “you are being ripped off’, “don’t let them get away with it”, “you’re better than this” or “you’re not right here anyway” I can feel that I am out of alignment, and I can feel the inner fear screaming at me – “you are going to be rejected so reject them first”

 

It makes me feel so tired when these feeling arise. So, yesterday, I knew I had to dig a little deeper to unpackage why these feelings of mistrust have arisen.

 

And if you have been reading my blog for a while, you will not be surprised to hear, that really the feeling has nothing to do with the other person, and everything to do with me.

As a previous blog post pointed out, I create always.

 

So, I  realised that if I turned my thought or feeling associated with “I don’t trust you” around, it becomes “I don’t trust me”. And what is it about me that I don’t trust. Well, depending on the situation it could be a plethora of things!

 

However, in the situations I was currently dealing with I had been asked to submit an invoice; we had not discussed the rate beforehand.  “Just invoice, me!”  was the conversation once the work was completed. I had asked quietly “Well, what do you want to pay?” He said, “Just invoice, with mates rate” Wink.

 

Immediately, this type of conversation triggers a whole load of uncomfortable thoughts inside of me.  “Money is so awkward”, “Shit, what is my value?” “What am I worth, in this person’s eyes?” “How do “mates” discount?” “What did I bring vs What did he bring?” “Is my input more or less valued?” “What would other people charge” Blah blah blah blah blah, on and on and on these thoughts go, one triggering of the next one and the next one.

 

Until all of a sudden, I conclude with “I don’t trust HIM, he is undervaluing me, by not telling me what he was willing to pay”.

 

That was the conclusion.

 

Immediately an hourly rate appeared in my head that I think “he” would be happy with.

It felt like it would be safe, for him.

And within minutes of creating an invoice for this amount, I started to resent him a little more. I hadn’t even sent the invoice, yet and I thought, I don’t think I can work with him. I don’t trust him.

 

This is the crazy things about how our thoughts, influence our feelings, that influence our actions. And at that point in time, nothing, not one thing, had actually happened. The whole scenario had been created inside my own head.

 

Gratefully, I recognised the feelings of resentment and thoughts. I breathed deeply and started to play with the numbers in the invoice.

 

And through this, I recognised that he was not undervaluing me, I was undervaluing me. How could I trust him to see the value in my contribution, if I was able to discount my own contribution to a point that left me in a place of resentment?

 

I was the one creating this scenario. I wasn’t trusting myself, first.

 

I was ignoring my inner wisdom and becoming a victim to the story I was making up in my head – about him and about myself.

 

To be able to step into our power, we must be able to fully understand our own boundaries. What are we willing to do and for what are we willing to do it for. How are we willing to be treated, and when are we willing to walk away. When will we stand and fight and when will we sit and reflect. Why are we driven to contribute, and why is it right to sometimes remain quiet.

 

We need to be able to find our own set of scales and to recognise that we are the ones in control of them, we are the ones that get to choose what we give, how we give it and what and how we receive in return.

 

And for these scales to remain at equilibrium, then we must begin to trust ourselves, first. Know that we know what is right for us, our unique contribution and our innate value. And once we know that – we must find our own inner strength to stand firmly and ASK exactly for that.

To conclude my story, I adjusted my invoice to place where my needs where met. I’ll let you know when it is paid. 😉

 

Today, I trust myself first.