WRITTEN IN TEA
This weekend at the Superbloom Festival, I was invited to share in the Tea gardens, a letter that meant something special to me.
For those of you who have known or followed me for a while, you will know that last August (2018), I shared my story of miscarriage by publishing online letters that I had written to the potential child.
So when I was invited to share a letter of meaning this is what I was instinctively drawn to share. Sharing it online for others to read (or not!) in the comfort of their own timing was one thing, but reading it out loud to an audience was truly another!
It was an edge push for me however it was one, I was truly grateful to have had. Having the opportunity to be heard and to share in the experiences of those that listened to my story and writing really was a truly beautiful and special moment.
I was truly touched when a women shared with me her story of having experienced a phantom pregnancy in which she said after listening to my letters, she could now truly understand what had happened for her.
I share my letters here again. With Love.
My Superbloom Letter Reading
I want to start today, just by acknowledging that my letter may be triggering for some to hear, as today, my letters come from my personal story of experiencing of miscarriage.
So if this is a tender, area for you then know that I truly honour that place in you, and I hope that my story can support you in yours.
I discovered I was pregnant in November 2017. I was coming off what I would describe as one of the best years of my life and to learn that I was pregnant was a huge shock, in fact it was more than a shock… but I don’t know what the next best word would be!
Some would question, why at the age of 39, I was so shocked when I knew how a baby was made! And yes, of course, I knew that I had participated in unprotected sex; but at the age of 39 and having never been pregnant before, having a baby without “trying” had not crossed my mind. It was something that I knew so many of my friends had been fighting so hard for, I feel that I had lost the concept that it can happen that easily.
I had only recently returned to Melbourne, was in a new relationship (that was long distance), and working in a contract role with an imminent end date. It was not planned, or ever been seriously discussed or had even been thought to be potentially possibility. Nothing about my situation had any solid ground.
In fact, when I saw the results on the stick, it felt like I had just stepped down the rabbit hole.
Not only was I falling, but I couldn’t see because I was crying so much and my own body didn’t feel like mine. I felt detached from my own body, and life. I was watching myself free fall, with nowhere to land.
I had spent the last 2 years, practising embodiment. I knew, how MY body felt, I knew that when I felt fear, I felt it in my chest, when I felt anger, I felt it in my stomach or when I felt joy it was a full body experience. But when pregnant, I felt no connection or sense of knowing to anything.
The shock and hormones had blown all my circuits. My body was no longer mine.
I felt that I had so many choices and decisions to make but through the haze of hormones and confusion, I couldn’t work out what was me and what wasn’t. I knew I needed to slow down. I needed to stop the noise. I need to understand what I truly wanted. Did I really want to have a baby? Did I want to create a new life? And did I want to mother that life?
I started to stop at the park on my way home from work, I would take off my shoes and put my feet in the grass. With my shoes off, I always felt more grounded and calmer. I then started write. I started to write directly to the potential baby. I had been using an app, that used fruit/vegetable references to describe the foetus size. So I began my writing with Dear Raspberry, because that is what the app said it would be.
The process of writing helped me to gain some clarity around what it was to create, what a privilege that can be, but also what a challenge that was to take up. There were so many considerations but at 6 weeks, I got the feeling that whilst choosing to have the baby was my greatest fear, I was ready to face it and accept the new challenge.
Then at nine weeks, my truest challenge became evident. As the choices, slipped away and all control had to be surrendered. My body was no longer creating a baby.
As a woman living where I do and with the freedoms I am so lucky to enjoy; no longer having the choice, was where my grief was so deeply felt. The loss of choice, the loss of the plans I had made and the loss of that which I had dreamed, where no longer a potentially reality for me.
These privileges that I experience, have also helped me to understand that creation is a far broader concept that children, and that every day, we have the opportunity to create. Every day and in every experience we are gifted, we have the freedom to create ourselves.
I know that having a miscarriage is a shared experience for so many women (1 in 4 pregnancy end in miscarriage), and each women’s experience is unique, as you not only have to cope with how your body responds to the physical ramifications but you also have to cope with our own hopes, fears, beliefs and dreams.
And whilst some women have felt able to share their experiences, so many haven’t.
So today I add my voice, my tears, my hopes and experience to the collective story and to share openly and somewhat vulnerably, the letters that I wrote to the Potential in creation. They are 4 short letters, that I will share today
My story of creation is not 9 months long, it has been 40 years in the making and when I reflect on the writing I did at the time, I know that the writing speaks for more than just the creation of a child, it speaks to all of us, as we create ourselves each day.
I am so grateful for the support from friends and family that I received during that time and alongside of that I am truly grateful for the growth and healing the experience has been magnified by the opportunities that it has presented. And sharing this story is one of them.
So, I thank you for sharing in it with me.
A Story of Creation – Part 1
My heart opens a little when I think of you and all your potential.
It opens and flitters with feelings that I haven’t ever felt before
I feel like you will bring a great shift to my reality
I am opening like I’ve never really experienced
Whilst my body feels too busy to really understand what’s driving it
I am, and I will need to just surrender to it
My soul is a little achy
I feel like it’s trying to connect to the true meaning of what it is when our souls meet in the physical form
What is that truest potential when soul meets body
What is it that you will be here to truly teach me in this life
What will you help me to elevate in this lifetime
I know that there is no coincidence that you are choosing this physical vehicle to enter
I know that once you do stabilise within that scared space – that you and I will be on another karmic cycle together
One which will lift us both higher in this life time
One where we can offer each other support to reach much joy
My soul is yearning for me to take this next revolution around the sun to some place higher and I know deep down that it is you who will help to alchemise this rotation to bigger things.
Things that I wouldn’t have previously thought were within my realm
I want these openings to really break through the barriers of possibilities so that my soul can truly be doing its rightful work and that I can then shepherd your physical form into its highest potential
Dearest Raspberry, may you grow stronger with ease and grace as together we bring you into this world so that your soul can evolve onto its truest path.
For now. This is All. Love.
The Sacred Space Within
A Story of Creation, Part 2
I’ve told lots of people about your potential to exist in this world, because I can’t and do not want to do this experience alone. The concept of isolating myself in my story for a random period of 12 weeks is a gag, that needs to be removed from my voice and all women’s voices. What a world it is, when the biggest thing that is happening to you feels shameful to share.
Yesterday Oprah made a speech at the Golden Globes that sees a huge shift.
It was monumental to see these messages of love, equality and ownership of our stories played out into the world.
Then today I witnessed teenage girls bully and threaten violence at woman in her 50’s as they ripped the flowers from her roses bushes.
This is the world that you will enter into. A world where one night you hear the most empowering speech by a woman, the next you see young women so hurt that they need to take control of their environment by taunting and intimidating others, only to be told your own mother felt like she had to justify keeping you quiet, for what seems to be no reason, other than from protecting others from being unable to respond, should something not happen as planned.
It’s scary to think that I will bring you into this world. All with the best intentions but naive to whatever will happen next.
I’ve been told by friends that I will make a great mother but really how would you ever know, mothering you will be something I can’t even truly imagine. To hold the responsibility for life is something that I find amazingly hard to comprehend.
And to choose to let it enter into this world, wow, now that is a choice.
I begin to wonder is this a place for you?
Right now, within my body, your physical form of transportation is being conditioned. Brain stems and heart beats and responses to create equilibrium are all being developed; but the true you is yet to confirm your existence.
I feel you, the true you, but I also feel that you are yet to enter this physical vehicle that you will drive into this world.
Will the combination of your physical and truest self-feel equipped?
What will your relationship be, to this body that is being built? This body that will offer you and support every experience of you being here. The vessel that will help you to remember that which you have come and that which you will live and to potentially pass on. The physical presences that the world will see and judge.
But this body is not the part that interests me about you. The part that I love to feel is the part that I feel flit in and flit out. The energy that I feel in the knowing part of myself. Your true presences. For me, this is the part of you that I and that all of those I’ve told of your potential want to know. And it is this part that we will love unconditionally.
For now. This is All. Love.
The Sacred Space in Community
A Story of Creation, Part 3
Change is inevitable
Today was a weird day. I woke with a bang and a gush. I thought that maybe your transport was deciding that maybe it was not sustainable to support your entrance.
It was weird to think that maybe this whole journey would end just in a day.
That my body would expel those cells and try to return itself back to its original state. I guess that is never really possible. To return back to your original state, once a creation cycle has begun. Woman really don’t talk much about this experience.
Whether it’s too personal or they believe judgement will rain down or that no one is really that interested; and therefore why would I bother sharing it. Raspberry, I don’t know why we stay silent but this experience is truly teaching me that the silence is hiding the strength of women that is truly unmeasurable.
Across the world and across all generations women have continued to put their bodies under this stress in order to create. I have been thinking it is potentially such an honour to have been gifted this opportunity so out of the blue; and it is just crazy that our female bodies can take themselves on this journey, but I’m also quite conflicted that some women feel there is an expectation to make their bodies go on this journey. The sacrifice and the lack of acknowledgment of the stress it creates seems so out of balance!
The glory of creation! Where is that?
Conditioned by comments like “you’re not the first to have a baby” a statement which is in fact a lie, because I am (and we all are) the first to have a baby in the bodies we were birthed. No one before me, has had this same experience, that I am having with you, Raspberry. All of our experiences are unique, and all of them are real. Whether birthing your 1st or 9th , never will a creation come from the same source.
A body is never just stagnant, yours is not and neither is mine. Constantly changing and never the same whether it be for better or worse. But every day is a new moment. And we just have to take that moment and see it for what it is. A choice to be present with you, or a choice to project into fear or reflect and be anxious.
I hope that one day, the world you are in, honours this cycle with a little more vigour, with more wonder, with a little more compassion and with a true sense of appreciation.
For with every choice I make right now, brings with it so many opportunities of change but also a shit load of sacrifices for my own existence. The cycle, will keep rolling.
Just think, next week Raspberry, you will be so changed that you may actually be an Olive!
For now. This is All. Love.
The Sacred Space of Change
A Story of Creation, Part 4
A new cycle begins…
There is no longer a physical vehicle to which I address this writing. It has been released.
Now, I commune with the freest of spirit that will have the opportunity to enter into an alternative creation.
Now, my body is mine and mine alone. I am not sharing. It’s is back, just to me. To be here in this moment now. Just as me.
No longer do I write of and to the potential that I was creating in me, for you.
Now it is “I”, just back to me and the remaining potential that exists within; the potential that sits deeper than within the womb.
You have given me such a slap, I feel more awake, than I did before. You have gifted me a truly embodied experience, that I would have never had alone.
I know I will be forever truly grateful to you, for showing me and for allowing me the truest embodiment of the intersection between the energetic realm and that which animates our physical being. The link between what is life and what is death. The power of our spirit and the sacred gift that our bodies provide us with.
Without the strength and ingenuity of this physical form, nothing of life will manifest. But without the spirit, we have no reason to be here, no purpose to life.
Thank you for the gift, of come and going, for it has given me a new strength within my own spirit. To truly understand that our body is our vessel, it is what gifts us every experience and provides us the opportunity in which to best manifest the purpose of our spirit.
I feel you want great things for me. I know you have opened my heart to a new level of compassion. You did that whilst here and your vehicle did that as you left; and I know you will continue to support this level of growth as my experience is shared and processed.
The spirit that sits within me is asking for changes, I dream that the evolution of our experience together helps to take us all higher; to a place where highest vibration and purpose is met with opportunities and undeniable drive to truly create that which is possible, and beyond our wildest dreams.
A new cycle, has begun.
Was I to create you? Or you me?
I am the potential that was to birth you, but now I am the potential to birth Me. Again.
For that I give, thanks.
And this is All. Love.
The Sacred Creator