For most of my life, I have thought of myself as quite un-emotional. And, I thought this was a positive thing. Logical, and stable. A positive and well rewarded way of being.
When feelings would come up, I think I would try to disconnect from them, not really listening to them or knowing how to express them and so I would just ignore them . And by ignoring them, I would then put myself in the “bored” box. I would so often, “be bored”. I’m sure my Mother would say “You were always bored”.
As the youngest of 3 children, when I was little, I felt that I was often just waiting. Waiting for everyone else to do what they were doing, watching and listening as the rest of the family would live around me. Bored and disconnected from what I wanted, not even knowing what I wanted, because it was easier to not want anything. It makes less fuss.
As I have moved into a more embodied way of life, I now recognise that this bored feeling, is really a feeling that results from suppressing all other feelings. Then from this place of numbness, I just bumbled through my very nice (privileged) life, just taking that which has been presented to me. I followed a crumbed path, but never have I known where I wanted it to lead. And whilst the path has led to some great things, this not knowing what I truly desired, became a real point of frustration for me.
For without having feeling, I realised I would never know what I truly wanted for myself and my life.
Through my Qoya practise and the Tools of the School of Womanly Arts, I have learnt, that if I want to truly know what I want my life to look like, if I truly want to know what my greatest desires are, then I have to STOP the numbing practices. I have to find out what is shutting me down, and what is putting a lid on my drivers, my passions and my dreams.
To find and create MY best life, I have to feel more, I have to feel deeper, and wider and even louder!
We have to be brave enough to ask ourselves – How do I feel? And if I don’t feel, why don’t I feel?
The answers to these questions, create root systems that can spread wider and deeper than you may give yourself credit for. The answers may sit under large rocks, that are hard to push over and look under, but it is only when we unpack and shine the light on the stories, that support us to feel or not to feel, that our truest expressions can rise.
I make space and time to feel, without judgement.